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THE KILL BILL OR JILL DIET How to Kill your Sweetie with Food By Gary Morton at http://CitizensontheWeb.ca So you’re sick of him or her. Maybe it’s a same sex marriage and now you’ve found that there’s no gay divorce. Perhaps you caught him cheating. Could be he got penis enlargement and an ego extension and now his idea of sex fits your description of a big pain in the ass. Then again it could be that you’re a nice guy and it’s a horrible cake-faced bitch biting your butt and your pride. There really are a thousand honest reasons, but it’s still illegal to kill a person. But it isn’t against the law if you KILL BILL OR JILL WITH FOOD! My friend Cassandra is doing it now and here’s how. The key is having the patience to do a job that takes four years. You can kill anyone in that small amount of time if you feed them right … and this simple recipe page shows you how to do it. -------------------------------------- Preliminary: THE KILL BILL DIET First you have to know what foods to take out of Bill’s diet and eat yourself to outlive him. The Good Stuff There are antioxidant foods that help prevent aging and cancer. So don’t feed Bill fresh fruits and vegetables. You will prolong his life if he eats broccoli, cauliflower, peppers, raisins, berries, fresh potatoes, tomatoes and tomato products, bananas, apples, onions, chocolate, grapes, garlic, spinach, green teas, carrots, soy and whole grain. There are also general healthy foods to avoid. Whole-wheat toast, bagels, and many cereals don't have much fat. Cereals with nuts contain healthy fat. Natural oils such as olive oil and canola oil don't contain trans fat and are good. Avoid fat free canned soups. Oats and oatmeal increase sex drive in men so do skip that. Food sources of omega 3 acids will also lead to good health so make sure Bill gets none of them. These foods are flax, nuts, walnuts, oregano, peppermint, mustard seeds, brussel sprouts, squash, tofu, greens, soybeans and omega-3 enriched eggs. Canned wild salmon and other wild cold-water fish like herring sardines, halibut, bluefish, tuna, and mackerel, shrimp and scallops are healthy sea foods. Canola oil, flaxseed, flaxseed oil, and leafy green vegetables are also vigorous. -------------------------------------- THE KILL BILL DIET The Bad Stuff First make sure he isn’t taking vitamin supplements of any kind. Buy a bottle of vitamins for him and replace the contents with salt tablets. Increasing salt is a key to high blood pressure and heart attacks so make sure salt is on everything he eats. A recent report noted that fish farmed salmon fillets or steaks have been found to contain dangerous PCBs and it is hazardous to eat them more than once a month. Give large servings to Bill once or twice a week. Saturated fats in meat, milk and dairy products are heart killers so slosh lots of milk and cheese down his throat and look for cuts of red meat that are thick in fat veins. Red meat is full of hormones and a known cancer source so purchase freezer-fills of it. A fine dinner meal would be GMO Steak Surprise - fatty steak cooked rare. On the side put a stir fry of GMO vegetables. These have fewer vitamins and if you cook them in hard margarine or butter you will load them with trans fats that will help kill Bill’s circulatory system. Once done give them a quick micro waving as microwaves boil the veggies from the inside and remove nearly all of the vitamins. Mashed potatoes can be served on the side provided they are heavy with butter, gravy and salt. Avoid brands of margarine that don’t contain trans fats. Soft margarine in tubs has less trans fats so buy hard stuff. Always serve coffee because coffee beans are sprayed with pesticide that can lead to cancer. Add peaches warmed in liquid sugar as a desert surprise. Top them with a spray of whipped cream. For lunch I would say that in general anything micro waved is fine as there are no vitamins left. Feed Bill all sorts of packaged foods and stuff with preservatives in it. Cake mixes are an excellent source of fat and cheap noodle and soup cups contain very high levels of trans fat. Don’t buy quality fat free canned soup or packages. Cheap packaged soup is guaranteed to be salty so pick that up. Probably the best lunch is something standard like this Whistle Dog Lunch Chicken soup with one large sausage or hot dog fried in margarine or butter and placed on a thick white bread bun garnished with processed cheese, barbecue sauce, pickles and melted pork fat. Side order the whistle dog with fries topped with the sauce from a can of pork and beans. Include a sugar pie for desert. Never forget the power of the back yard barbecue. Many a man has died from barbecued food. The fatty meats and char on it can quickly induce heart attacks and cancer. Buy Bill a barbecue and get him using it regularly. Getting Bill to eat out is a big part of the diet. Encourage him to drive everywhere to avoid exercise. Especially use drive-ins like Kentucky Fried Chicken and MacDonald’s and frequent Donut and Desert joints. Fries, chicken, and other foods deep-fried in partially hydrogenated oil are deadly. Pancakes and grilled sandwiches also have trans fat. A general rule is to load fries on everything. And don’t forget the pies and biscuits for desert. Fast frozen food is also great for the home. Give Bill an ample supply of frozen pies, pastry pot pies, waffles and pizzas with a follow up of baked goods. There are more trans fats in commercially baked products than any other foods. Doughnuts, cookies and cakes with frostings are great. Chips and soda crackers like potato and corn chips are full of deadly trans fat, so load up … and stock up on the toppings and dips too. Whipped toppings, bean dips, gravy mixes, and most salad dressings contain lots of trans fat. Serve plenty of coffee and use nondairy creamers and flavored coffees that are full of fat. Avoid all teas and soy milk, replacing them with pop. Never underestimate the power of pop. It is the number one cause of obesity and diabetes. Substitute fruity pops for fruit juices and give him lots of Coke and candies. Serve only heavily sugared fruit cups for fruit content. --------------------------------------
At this point Bill looks like a pasty piece of lard because that’s what he is. When your body doesn’t have the healthy materials to build cells it still builds them out of garbage. So Bill’s every cell is adding up to make him one dumpy and weak, dull-witted porker. And here we move in for the kill. A fight begins. You scream at Bill about his health and weight until he agrees to exercise. Suggest something you can do together like intense biking or rock climbing. Shoveling snow or running could kill him fast too … because once he puts a strain on that heart it’s gonna pop. Swimming or mountain climbing might be the best double kill methods. He won’t survive the heart attack if he falls or drowns. So good luck, go to the grocery store, get to work and let’s KILL BILL! or JILL! *Note: if you do finish him with rock climbing make sure to take a sharp razor to cut him loose from you when he falls. ------------------------------------------------------- |
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