The Liberal Leadership: How the Candidates Taste on Ice

June.11.2006 by Gary Morton

Michael Ignatieff’s Harperlite Ale: A sample in a chilled glass reveals a smooth flavour followed by a skunky aftertaste from the Afghani spring water used in the brew. Four or five of these can cause a lot of hypocritical burping and a kill Kyoto cough.

Stephane Dion’s Burgundy: This potent French Canadian wine comes in a fancy collectable bottle. Definitely a full-bodied liberal wine, but questions remain as to its sales potential. Free trade liberals fail to buy Canadian. Will they break the trend and purchase a French Canadian product?

Joe Volpe’s Fruit Whammy: This alcoholic drink has been pulled from the shelves after drug corporation executives fed it to their kids as fruit juice. The Volpe campaign has since gone from being Liberal Party red to red-faced.

Gerard Kennedy’s Ontario Pale Ale: This Canadian beer has the nicest packaging and potential for national appeal. It is definitely a liberal drink and not Harperlite. Four or more of these lead to a bitter McGuinty aftertaste.

Bob Rae’s Booster Juice: This liberal-left energy drink comes with flashy packaging and a long list of energy-boosting ingredients. But can it sell nationally, and what about the reported orange NDP sludge at the bottom of the can?

Martha Hall Findlay’s Pink Lady: Lawyers and businesswomen favour this cool summery drink and its strong gin kick. As a liberal pink brand it is not well advertised and may not be a big seller.

Ken Dryden’s Dry Ale: This raunchy dry ale has an all red label like Ken’s website. It has more kick than Harperlite and folks intoxicated from it go so far as to talk about stuff like climate change and the Kelowna Accord.

Hedy Fry’s Western Rum: This potent rum has a mixed Western Canadian and Trinidadian flavour. Again no Harperlite, but though Fry attacks Harper’s pandering to extremists, her rum tends to inflame the drinker, leading to fiery conversations and embarrassing statements.

Scott Brison’s Eastern Screech: This Eastern Canadian rum is served in most gay bars and is reported to be Conservative in its hangover effects. A light rum it lacks the genuine kick of real screech.

Carolyn Bennett’s Gin Rickey: This Canadian cocktail is a strong seller in Toronto’s Rosedale. The high alcohol content makes it a favorite among Liberal Party intellectuals. Added medicinal ingredients provide some leftist health benefits.

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