Child Porn Apology Advice for Stephen Harper

By Gary Morton

To the Harper Media Team

   Hey Conservative guys and some gals, the contract for advice on the new child porn scandal you created got outsourced … to me … so here’s the counsel you bought.

   In the world of media, media relations and spin doctors, I’m the smallest fish. I’m even the tiniest runt in alternative media. Like you I have no training as a writer and at CitizensontheWeb.ca I know how to cover up after those embarrassing mistakes.

   Now you say the Conservative Party has issued a press release titled “Paul Martin Supports Child Pornography.” And that Stephen Harper does not want to apologize for it, but merely admit that he had to change the title of the release. It also appears that the damaging release was issued twice. Then there was another release titled, “The NDP Caucus Supports Child Pornography.”

   Looking back I remember a similar thing happening to me. It was because I allowed a friend to write a piece and upload it to the news site. It contained false accusations against a Toronto activist, and my friend unfortunately signed my byline to it. I ended up with two black eyes for a couple of months.

   So I tightened up security … now I have actually cut my drinking and do my own writing. When I do attack others it is usually ignored because I’m seen as a lightweight.

   Part of the problem you Tory folks have is that you already do the writing yourselves … and don’t seem to know what you are doing in releasing pieces to the media.

   Another problem is in being heavyweights. With Mr. Harper being seen as the PM in waiting, he simply can’t make mistakes like that.

    A little bit of thinking shows what I would say if I had released that piece.  First, I would not be able to say I was in my right mind while titling and releasing it … because if I admitted to being in any way sober the incompetence would be clear. No one would put me in as prime minister out of simple fears that maybe a botched press release from me would cause some kind of international disaster like the next world war.

   So I’d have to say I was out of my mind … like maybe a liberal spy slipped pills in my drink, or smoked me up … or I got to drinking too much on the campaign bus … and after swallowing 24 beer it suddenly seemed like a brilliant idea to accuse Paul Martin of being the force behind Child Porn.

   And Paul Martin was the FORCE until I saw the entire power of the ALIEN CONSPIRACY and realized that it was in fact the NDP Caucus and flying saucers dropping child porn across the nation.

   Yes it is insidious, but my advice to Stephen Harper is that he plead some form of emotional breakdown.

   On the issue of an apology … he must apologize.

   The reason is that most people have been victims of scandal mongers. They know how it feels and they will expect an apology. I have been the victim of scandal mongers myself … and to them I say, keep the scandals coming … and if I’ve failed to find fame, I still might find success in infamy.

   It has also occurred to me that maybe you boosted Paul Martin by a few points … he’ll get the votes of people who are outraged … and the votes of people who love infamy and a scandal.

   Remember that the public loves a tearful apology. Perhaps Stephen Harper should say he was suffering from personal problems … and that he is sorry … and in the spin make himself look like the victim.

   The way it is Conservative spin doctors look like morons … there’ll be a backlash showing in the polls. Even the way it is now the media will never forgive you … once those guys smell stupidity they come on like a pack of wolves.

   My personal opinion … well … I can’t forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made, so it’s not likely that I will forgive you. Then there’s that nasty crowd of voters out there … in a terminator mood.

   They’re not looking for child porn … they’re looking for someone to kill.  

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