The
Megacity Election War of the Worlds
(City Reels under Night of Criminal Terror)
By Shadow at http://MegacityElection.com
Last night as the moon rose full in Mars and Pices, thick fog spread clammy fingers across Toronto, and in shadowy lanes and urine-soaked alleys the crime wave began. Yes, as mayoral candidates debated again on a peaceful future … dark iron doors opened in hidden incinerators and the alien gangs and guns poured out to rampage in the downtown streets.
By the time the mist had cleared this morning, The Sun had headline stories like SAVAGE CITY and HOMES HORROR. On CFRB Police Chief Julian Fantino issued a grim warning that was later interpreted by a host as his displeasure with mayoral front runner David Miller. And a hope that police union mouthpiece John Tory would get elected to help combat the insidious crime wave sweeping across this battered town.
Not long after that panicked 905 residents screeched about Toronto crime with 905 radio hosts unfortunate enough to have to work in the black heart of this bleak hell hole. On the six o’clock news residents were shown a toy helicopter and asked whether a helicopter or 400 more cops needed to fly in on John Tory’s wealthy coattails to do battle with these criminal monsters at large in the streets.
It is true that I was out last night in that terror-dripping fog, heading down to Queen Street West for a debate that included wards 19 and 20 council candidates. Let me tell you, I didn’t get a block before fire trucks and ambulances screamed by. Then a tall dark man in a trench coat stepped out of shifting curtains of mist. His long face gathered shadows and he nearly scared me to death. He handed me a John Tory flyer and rattled my black bones even more.
“Why should I vote for Mr. Rogers?” I said.
And he replied, saying, “Didn’t you read Royson James in today’s Star? He says John Tory was principal secretary for Bill Davis, the most progressive premier of our time. And he’s a great choice for mayor. He worked for Brian Mulroney, and the police have endorsed him.”
After that hair-raising experience on the street, I walked into the debate and saw a crowd of nasty criminally inspired residents attacking Joe Pantalone on the Front Street Extension issue. His opponent Jeff Brown was saying, “… this highway costs hundreds of millions in city money and six million of that is going to Joe’s best friend, who owns some of the land.”
“Uhhh, ‘er, ahhhh … weeell,” said Joe. “I a meana thata my residents know that this takes pressure off the local grid and is a democratic extension for goody good faster traffic downtown in Toronto.”
After that deadly exchange, I looked around for Mafia hit men and other people got rambling about the new super amalgamation of psychiatric institutions on Queen Street. It boggled my weakened brain, so I went to the window and looked out on the mean streets.
A strange man stood beside me. His hair wild, his dilated eyes wide and his scarecrow clothes disheveled. He stared fearfully up the road. A couple of laughing women walked by … others strolled home from work and off to dinner.
It was a peaceful scene so I asked him what he was so frightened of.
He turned and looked at me open mouthed. “Haven’t you heard? Don’t you have a battery powered radio? They’re out there in the fog. Gangsters and criminals shooting, killing, robbing and raping and taking over people’s homes. I’m afraid to go out because it isn’t going to be safe out there unless we elect John Tory and bring in 400 hundred new police officers.”
“Hey, wait a minute,” I said. “Everything looks peaceful out there man. I don’t see any crime wave. So what’s with the Tory hysteria? Maybe it’s all bullshit they made up to scare us silly.”
“You may be right,” he said. “I don’t see any crime either, the only people I saw the cops arresting were on bicycles. So why are the news channels and papers seeing this alien crime invasion?”
“You’ve heard of mass hysteria,” I replied. “And of course there have been political phenomena in the past like Trudeau mania. This is likely mass media hysteria, pumped up by Chief Fantino, the police union and other people who don’t live in Toronto but want to help John Tory. It’s Tory Crime Hysteria. At least I think that’s it. Or it might something else.”
“Yeah, like what,” he said.
Then I looked out into visions moving in those polluted veils of fog. White on black and red on the smashed bodies on the pavement. Another ambulance screamed by. A car accident happened right in front of our eyes. Something thick and choking rose in my throat and out of the grim recesses of the Niagara Street slaughterhouse, a dying animal spirit spoke in my mind.
And I said “Like the fact that there are now four more cops on these streets. The same four that beat Otto Vass to death are cleared and back on duty. Of course the media says he was a psychiatric patient and not a criminal, but that’ll still scare the hell out of crooks. They’ll know these cops mean billyclub business. And think about it. They got off because one witness disappeared completely and the other was conveniently deported. These are street cops that know how to play rough like Murder Incorporated. Give John Tory a week and we’ll have 400 of these cool back street boys cleaning up our downtown. And maybe helicopters roaring in to back them up, too.
… but hey! stop crying and screaming!! don’t run off like that!!! … I didn’t know you were an out patient!!!! Hey, pal, don’t run that way, there’s a sinister man handing out John Tory flyers in the fog up there!!!!! And not that way either, I see Julian Fantino driving by … oh noooooooo, four cops are coming out of that alley!!!!!!! Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
by Shadow at http://MegacityElection.com
As the mayoral race goes into the final stretch, I’ve decided to throw my mayoral endorsement to John Tory.
There are many reasons for this, but first let me address some serious accusations and rumours ... those being tales that I’ve been paid to endorse John Tory and do a hit on John Nunziata.
They say everyone has a price, but not me. Such people insult my integrity and the accusations have upset me so much that I’m leaving for a rest tour in the Mediterranean. The limo is waiting downstairs, I’ve got a plane to meet, so let’s be quick with the facts on this election.
John Tory has done a lot to help the homeless. He’s been present at every fundraiser and elite gathering in Toronto this year. Wherever the richest of the rich have congregated John Tory has been there sipping wine, nibbling on crackers and asking the wealthy of Ontario to open their pockets for the United Way and cash-strapped hospitals. Down on the cold lonely streets, the heartbroken and those abandoned to the chill, mean cops, rats, bruises and pain can often find consolation in knowing that John Tory is up in the ivory towers, in the arms of the beautiful people, pan handling some bits of gold that will someday trickle down to them as slices of toast in a shelter.
Yes, John Tory is a leader and not only that he’s the chosen one of those clever international forces of globalization that want city governments as privatized property of the corporate sector.
Toronto needs a champion who can take the Megacity to its next stage of evolution and place it on the chess board of global corporations. John Tory is that man.
So let’s not let false bribery allegations get in his way. And that brings us to the Judas of this election. A candidate name John Nunziata.
Nunziata, if you’re reading this you’re a bum. But in any case let’s look at your motives in fingering the John Tory camp with bribery allegations.
You have a dream. In it Toronto is like a developers’ Disneyland from one end to the other. You talk about cleaning up developer corruption while running on a platform that would turn the entire city into Mickey Mouse towers rising from their smoky backrooms.
Homeless people bother you, so you want them swept up through a quick call to the cops. Just call in your old buddies in blue and have them dump the victims in the nearest straitjacket hell hole.
You’re a rat … Nunziata, and not so long ago – like yesterday - you saw your dreams dying. The great John Nunziata was pulling a poor fourth in the mayoral election. He would never be mayor. All those hopes … that opera house out on the water would never be built, and even if it was the fat ladies would be singing about John Tory or some other jerk who wasn’t John Nunziata.
Sometimes we look and see it all going down the drain. We got no one to blame but ourselves. For those people on the streets you want to sweep up, there’s no way out. But there is a way out if you’re John Nunziata.
You jump into the nearest phone booth, toss on a caped crusader outfit and leap to the curb as a new champion against bribery and corruption. John Tory looks closest on the right wing so you conveniently stab him in the back, leaving yourself to rise in the polls, as the only honest candidate on the right.
And hey, you’re smart, ‘cause you noticed that David Miller got to the top of the polls with ads talking about sweeping out back room deals and corruption at city hall. Now John Nunziata, the Caped Crusader of Honesty is back at the top of the game, maybe rising in the polls and challenging Hall and Miller for top dog as anti corruption super hero of Toronto.
Wait a second. Some details are missing. Nunziata, you say they offered you 150 grand to duck out. Yet you took a hell of a long time before you went to the cops and the media. Does that mean you were considering taking the money or does it mean there was no money?
I saw you at the St. Lawrence forum and you ducked off the stage right away to call the cops on OCAP people you picked a scrap with. Seeing you in action tells me you’d call the cops right away for nearly anything, and you’re their friend, making statements about how the cops should be given more and more money even though crime is going down. To tell the truth, I even wonder if the cops didn’t tell you to set Tory up so they could get you into office.
So be warned that this scandal has made me ill. I’m sick of you Nunziata and I’m going on vacation. So don’t look down while you’re flying after me … when you hit bottom it’s going to be deep.
* Note to John Tory … I’ve done the job on Nunziata as promised, and I better see the money when I get to Greece.
Nuff said for now,
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And the Mayoral Debate Winner is …
By Shadow at http://MegacityElection.com
I attended a few debates … one at Innis College, the T.E.A. debate, the St. Lawrence Forum Mayoral Vision debate and watched the City TV debate.
Picking a winner is difficult. I’ve now got used to Barbara Hall’s slow style and David Miller seems to exude mayoral authority, so the two front runners appear best to me. Tom Jakobek is like the wily old fox people like though they would never vote for him. John Tory I’ll get to in a moment. At this point let me say that John Nunziata is the real crown jewel at debates. At Mayoral Vision, his mind was off on the waterfront, focused on an opera house in the waves he would have liked to have built … as part of the Disneyland type development he would permit everywhere in Toronto.
When he’s not speaking, Nunziata gazes off into the audience like someone in manic mode, so you suddenly find yourself being stared down by him. And that’s not a good thing if you happen to be laughing. A gang of OCAP people found that out tonight when Nunziata decided to take them on. He was speaking on his ‘Operation Compassion’, which is a crazy program to sweep the homeless off the streets, and it relies on Dalton McGuinty passing legislation that would allow police to view homeless poets and evictees as mentally ill people that can be swept away for their own good.
A laughing OCAP guest suddenly got attacked verbally by Nunziata, and a shouting match with the public began. It angered some of the audience and they kept calling for the OCAP people to shut up. John Nunziata, loose cannon that he is, then decided to invite the protesters up to take his chair, if they had a better plan than his. Meaning OCAPers would have the chair next to John Tory.
Tory spoke up, saying. “He doesn’t really mean that.”
So public peanut gallery participation wasn’t a big hit with the public, yet some of it still sprinkled out and later on a heckler interjected on Nunziata, calling for him to name names. In reference to a media story where Nunziata says he was offered a six figure bribe to drop out of the race.
Yes he is the crown jewel but maybe not the winner, and he’s definitely the only mayoral candidate who ever got the police, extortionists and OCAP all on his case. The next polls will likely show his support as in the below 0 numbers.
John Tory arrived late and looked uncomfortable sitting beside Nunziata. There had been speculation earlier on Tory’s failure to show. A group of clown-like anti-incineration protesters were holding signs and chanting out front and some people wondered if Tory was making a late show to avoid a confrontation.
Others thought that maybe John Nunziata had decided to name Tory supporters in the bribery scandal, and that would place John Tory at the police station being grilled on the issue.
Another rumour seemed to shrink the bribery scandal to smaller proportions. John Nunziata has sent out a news release, where he refuses to name names but calls for the culprits to step forward.
That release led to one person actually coming forward, revealing information to Shadow at megacityelection.com. This source has confessed to offering bribes to both Tom Jakobek and John Nunziata.
The culprit is a flamboyant cab driver named Romero Figuerado. He admits to bribing officials at Nunziata’s campaign office. His story is as follows. “Weel, the pizza guy sent me over ‘cause these guys eat so much pizza with fat bacon on it. So geeze GST, I gave Nunziata’s people the pepperonis and there was some change. Then I decided to offer a bribe to get him to quit as mayor candidate. Maybe an Italian guy shouldn’t be mayor, I said, so here’s $6.50 if you’ll get out the race. Maybe try deputy mayor, eh. Now they say I offered six figures, but that’s not true, I really only offered $6.50. And the difference with Tom Jakobek is that he took the $6.50 and then he broke his promise and stayed in the race.”
So if John Tory’s living in fear of being named, his fears may be groundless. The bribes may be more of Nunziata’s wild waterfront dreams.
In any other case I would expect a mayoral candidate to be honorable and go to the police, to see to the arrest of the extortionists, but in the case of John Nunziata, I feel he should have taken the money and ducked out. He is going down so fast right now that he might be the first person swept up in his own plan for the homeless.
I can say that in some ways the winner seems to be everyone. That takes me back to the City TV debate. I was about to declare a winner, then John Tory’s neon tie hypnotized me and I fell asleep. He was saying something about clean, green incineration as I nodded off into a choking dream where the sky looked like Barbara Hall hair puffs and a lot of people were shouting at me. Sort of like the OCAP people at the Mayoral Vision debate … like maybe any gang that can shout has mayoral qualifications.
In the nightmare, road tolls and Miller’s picture were on my cable bill, then I woke to a lot of news releases in my mail box. Every candidate claimed to have won the City TV debate. And that includes fringe candidates that were left to shouting outside of the City TV building.
But what did they win? Perhaps nothing other than self acclaim, with no tangible gifts to reaffirm their delusions.
In that case I have decided to hand out prizes to the winners for their fine debating skills.
Here are the prizes from Shadow the cat.
* Tom Jakobek gets an honorary Ethics Degree from Casino Rama.
* For his victory John Nunziata grabs a six figure gift certificate from Hair for Less, free passes to Disneyland and a paddy wagon ride to a lie detector test in New York State.
* Barbara Hall picks up a pair of Nike running shoes with matching luggage, for those fast dashes out of the expanded Island Airport.
* John Tory picks up a fine award. The best actor’s honour from the Ontario Society of Incineration Engineers.
* David Miller wins a 1500 dollar road toll discount coupon from the City of Toronto and an entry into the Gander Newfoundland Kennedy look-alike contest.
* And finally, the fringe candidates get free megaphones and TTC tickets to the next OCAP meeting.
Of course the biggest prize is victory in the election. Who will be Toronto’s next mayor? All I can say is that my prediction is ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……………..
And I better not wake up to noisy incinerators, gun fire out front of casinos or jets and police helicopters zooming in from the Island.
Excerpted from ‘Letters to
Shadow’ on the City of Toronto Election
Issue: Police Union Fears
Dear Shadow,
I’ve been smokin’ a lot of homegrown medical pot and feel paranoid. I just
read in the Star that the police union will be sending cops out to advise us who
to vote for in the city election. If the cops come to my door, what should I
say? Will a swat team arrive or will it be one or two? I hear they are going to
support John Tory. Would wearing a Tory button be a good way to keep them happy?
Maybe I should write Vote Tory on some of my home-baked cookies and feed these
cops. Who are they endorsing for sure?
tokinjack@hotmail.com
Shadow replies,
Tokinjack, you have nothing to fear. It is illegal for cops to get
politically involved and that is why they are doing it. At the door, tell them
you are doing illegal stuff, too. And once you let them know you are voting for
me, this picture shows you the good things that will happen to you.
The police have in fact endorsed me as a write-in candidate for mayor in this
election. The endorsement came as a result of my policing policy. It is
considerably better than the platforms of Hall, Tory and Miller.
Hall and Tory have promised to hire lots more cops, but I have gone them better. My promise is to bring in a thousand new officers … each one in a state-of-the-art cop copter.
My plan will clean the city of crime, graffiti and terrorists. Imagine how safe you’ll feel with a police helicopter hovering over your house, or your street, no matter where you are. Those punks that cover the walls with graffiti will be in shock when community cops roar down in machines bearing tasteful MacDonald’s ads on their flanks, and then open fire with paintball guns that can whitewash any surface.
Terrorists beware, because if you attack Toronto you’ll face a thousand flying cops that have all guns firing.
So tokinjack, vote Shadow and toke in peace, with a lot of cops in helicopters on your side.
---------
Issue: Incineration
Dear Shadow,
I have a lung problem and I’m hoping that John Tory’s plan for clean green
incineration will aid my breathing. How long should I wait for the positive
effects?
blacklung@echo.on.net
Shadow replies,
You’ll have to wait a long time. People in Toronto always support
incineration in polls, then oppose the construction of an incinerator in their
neighbourhood. Incinerators are an easy promise because they’ll likely never be
built.
This means you might lose out on the health effects. Especially from John Tory’s incinerators, which emit twice as much dioxin as the bay garbage facility we already closed down. Health experts, doctors and new age gurus have long spoken of the beneficial green smog effects that come from the fumes of mega tons of burning garbage. This plume of beneficial gases could only aid the uplifting effects of brown mist rolling in off the Don Valley and the exhaust trails of all those jets zooming in at an expanded Island airport.
You and your lungs are being deprived. And there’s more. See the next letter.
---------
Issue: Gridlock
Dear Shadow,
I’m not from Toronto, but from sprawling 905. It seems to me that the air
would be cleaner there and things would be a lot nicer if us people from 905
could cruise into a Jays game without facing nasty gridlock and high parking
prices.
905SUVspeedo@yahoo.ca
--------
Shadow replies,
You are correct and mayoral candidate John Tory has addressed your problem.
In his new plan, traffic computers will allow green lights to roll on forever,
turning downtown Toronto into SUV speed alley. Those nasty delivery vehicles
that park out front of businesses will be banned and cars will rush through the
core like a raging river that only breaks to spill into new parking lots built
on the lands of businesses we no longer need. The streets will be clean as new
pavement will speed polluted runoff into beaches where it belongs. Our
pedestrian kill rate, now the highest in the world, will shoot up, helping us
get rid of old folks, cyclists, street kids and skaters who block roads.
Healthy exhaust fumes from a growing stream of fast lane traffic will add to the sweet smoke of the incinerators, turning the core into a paradise where we can get high on rushes of alternative air and steaming concrete.
Remember that this is healthy, clean and green like John Tory says. And that
Barbara Hall will know what she’s talking about when she send the planes roaring
up from the Island …we’ll all inhale the full health benefits of Toronto air.
--------
October 15th
Congratulations Miller and Tory, but Tooker was
better
By PJ the Cat
* Note from Shadow the Cat … in the last Toronto election, PJ the Cat wrote the commentary for this web site.
In the Star a new poll shows David Miller running second to Barbara Hall. Miller was at eight percent not too long ago. If he has come up that much it means his campaign has been doing things right, across the board. If they are doing that fine of a job, then Miller might come in as Toronto’s next mayor.
John Tory is in third place, and it is possible that he could win, but more as some sort of corporate leader than as a mayor. He sees the city as a privatized corporation to exist under the toxic fumes of the incinerators he plans to build.
Two years ago my cat eyes and the polls saw that McGuinty would be the next premier. I haven’t seen a victor in the mayoral race yet, but based on logic I would pick Miller. Barbara Hall and Tory are not the best in debates and may die off in the big TV debate Sunday.
There’s also the question of what kind of mayor any of the three front runners would be. I mentioned Tory, then there’s doubt as to whether Barbara Hall has anything other than battery powered hair. Miller’s green effort brought in a Kennedy who doesn’t support windmills because they don’t look cute enough.
Everybody talks green. John Tory has even painted smog green. But I still prefer Tooker’s green Toronto … a genuine smog-free city. There wouldn’t be too many cars slamming us dead, cops pounding us senseless or incinerators slapping us with deadly toxins. You could drink the water, and the sun would be brighter and greater than any Halloween pumpkin.
Thanks Tooker, we still believe in you and your dreams.
PJ the Cat
----------
* By the way. What do Tory, Hall, Miller, Nunziata and Jakobek dress up as on Halloween? If in doubt just toss garbage bags over the lot of them and call them green.
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Disneyland or the Promised Land – Feb.26.2003
By Shadow the Black Cat
Two weeks ago mayoral candidate John Nunziata was down on Yonge Street. I saw him telling a Toronto Star reporter he was “just brimming with ideas.'' Then my eyes widened when he said, “Hey, how about Disney North?” Later he talked to his 10-year-old son, Patrick … and his son said, “Dad, why don't you do it?' And John Nunziata said, “Patrick, I will do it.”
According to the Star many call John Nunziata a hero … and yes I agree … you can count Shadow the Black Cat in on this one. Sure at 11 months of age I may be a little immature, but who has hasn’t dreamed of having Disneyland in their backyard?
Imagine the whole of Toronto as Disneyland. It will end the misery and pain of this cold-hearted city. We’ll end the homeless problem and all walk in the sunshine together … dressed in the outfits of Mickey Mouse World. Goofy Town Mall will stretch as far as the eye can see in all directions and there’ll be no hunger in our bellies as we snack on every street.
Snow White will hold the Olympic Torch at Dundas Square. John Nunziata will be mayor and we’ll be rich, rich, rich as we count the loonies pouring in from tourists worldwide.
Yes the stars of Disneyland and John Nunziata shone in my eyes that cold February day on Yonge Street. Then I wandered off down an alleyway with my stray cat friends and bumped into another candidate for Mayor. In a secluded parking area off Adelaide, Kevin Clarke the homeless candidate for mayor stood on a log by a fence.
Perhaps Kevin is psychic. He certainly read my mind, because he began one of his loud public addresses, seeming to speak only to us stray cats. “The Promised Land!” he boomed, gesturing broadly at the city scrapers, parked cars and piled trash. “Vote for me and I’ll take you there!”
His black face took on a prophetic look. Snow swept his headdress. His bright robes fluttered with wind down to his toes. Eyes diamond bright he shouted, “I see the angels ascending and descending and it isn’t no Disneyland rising! A vision has come and only I can deliver it to City Hall! I see a city where homelessness will be gone! And so will the cars! … Clean green streets! A place where the marginalized and even stray cats can eat their fill in every restaurant! So let the blind, the lame, the homeless and the strays follow me to the Chain of Honour at City Hall … and onward to a Promised Land!”
I can tell you that I stared off into space as Kevin Clarke spoke on … everything he said seemed so much better than Nunziata’s rocket science Mickey Mouse rebuilding of the city. Then later I started dreaming of Disneyland again and how happy we’d all be if we never had to work again … at least not at a hard job.
So how can I
choose who to endorse in an election race with two credible candidates like
this? We have two mavericks running for mayor ... two giants that dare to
dream and are not afraid to challenge the corrupt powers that have been
dragging this city down.
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NO Debate in Mayoral Beauty Contest –
Feb.2003
from Shadow Cat
Exciting information has come in on the 2003 Toronto Mayoral Race. Today an unnamed but shadowy character at a waterfront hotel overheard a conversation between reporters from City TV, TorStar and Paul Godfrey.
“It’s a ‘Beauty Contest’”, Godfrey told the reporters. “If you think about it, the candidates in this race are close in policy or lack of it. They all claim to have read Rudy’s book on Leadership in New York, and they all say they will solve the homeless problem. There’s no reason for a debate. That’s why we’re proposing that the debate be replaced by a televised mayoral ‘Beauty Pageant’.”
Further information reveals that City TV and TorStar are going to fight right down to the wire for the rights to host and broadcast this pageant. The ratings are expected to be high.
Star reporters were cynical but generally supportive of the idea. “There isn’t a real division in policy between these people,” said a source. “David Miller was thought to be different but he quickly swung to the centre by voting for the Front Street Extension last week. He also impressed the corporate powers that be with his Jack Layton type political skills. Layton as you know is the councillor that boosted himself to head of the NDP by recruiting thousands of activists. He dumped them and supported the seal hunt in Ottawa as he moves to swing the NDP right to take a bite out of Alliance votes. Miller in the same vein could be a mayor that engineers protest against major projects, adds a dash of environmental paint to see them to completion and then calls an expensive inquiry into the corrupt way it was done.
At the newly unionized Toronto Sun newsroom the mood was angry. “The candidates are all pussies,” said one editor. ”So they might as well do it. I’m just concerned about what will happen after the election. Dolton McGuinty is on TV in commercials talking tough as nails. We might have a premier coming in that eats broken glass for breakfast. And what about the media? Have you seen that City TV ad with a news thug in a black sweater, doing a walkabout and talking about how City chews up anyone that gets in the way of the news? If these mayoral pussies don’t get their asses kicked by McGuinty next time they go cap in hand to the province, then they’ll probably get the stupid choked out of them by some of those City TV guys. And that’s before they get to the Paul Martin gang.”
As for the pageant itself, the polls show a close contest.
Barbara Hall with her butch haircut and strong outfits has appeal in the gay community.
John Nunziata’s cute smile and ability to look smooth while answering really dumb questions will give him a strong television presence.
Then there’s John Tory with corporate good looks and a cable executive’s knowledge of television. He could do a fast edit on the fly to smooth his appearance. And that will be necessary if he gets boring with no-content statements like On the Right Track or negative with talk about how Toronto is a gutter city that only he can save.
Tom Jakobek does have those country boy looks that appeal to the man on the street, but his main problem will be holding the crown if he wins it. Another MFP computer scandal could see him stripped of the title.
David Miller has some rough edges, but he could pull off a star performance if he cools it with the intellectual stuff and stops trying to get approval for all his ideas by painting in bicycle trails.
Problems are that Miller could come out of it a sore loser and call an inquiry into the election, and Hall is already calling for the contest to be held between the two top candidates only. That would put the less attractive candidates off in a back room somewhere holding a separate pageant with the country singers, direct democracy guys and other small players that think they have a shot at being mayor of the big smoke.
On a positive note
the pageant promises to be a new and interesting experiment in democracy
that could make this election something special and memorable. So if you’ve
got good looks, think about running.
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Jack Layton to
Dine on Seal Penis
Exclusive from Shadow the Evil Black Cat
Press Release from the New Dumbocratic Party – Feb.6.2003
Incoming NDP leader Jack Layton dealt fairly with his first wash in controversy in Ottawa this week. His decision has been to say farewell to new chief of staff Rick Smith.
It unfortunately came to Jack’s attention that Smith had been Canadian director of the International Fund for Animal Welfare prior to the NDP appointment. The IFAW being a group of wealthy and eccentric silver spoon liberals that protest the Newfoundland seal hunt.
Hiring Rick Smith was seen as treason in Newfoundland. Provincial NDP Leader Jack Harris said Mr. Layton damaged the party's reputation. "I was really shocked and appalled," said Mr. Harris. "IFAW has hurt the incomes of rural Newfoundlanders. Their approach has been one that basically was propagandizing with false information and characterizing the seal hunt as barbaric."
Fellow Layton supporter Nancy Riche, a former secretary treasurer of the Canadian Labour Congress spoke in support of Jack Harris and Newfoundlanders. “We’re labour people that fight to our last breaths to save jobs and want Rick Smith fired immediately,” she said.
Jack Harris bolstered Riche’s statements. “New Dumbocratic Party Policy favours the seal hunt and those flappin’ devils are out there in the water eatin’ all the cod,” he said. “It’s pure myth that we over fished and killed off those fat cod. And bludgeonin’ seals to death is not at all barbaric. Keep in mind that we kill those critters just for their PENISES now. It takes guts to go out there in the wind and ocean and on the islands and the ice to pound the brains out of some of them baby devils and cut penises off. There’s no myth to the fact that we work hard and sell those seal penises to stupid Chinese guys and other morons world wide that think eating a seal’s dick will enhance their sexual powers. You know that we need money and here in the province’s labour party we want to let the whole world know that dumb Newfoundlanders will never be able to make money in any way other than a clubbin’ at seals. So be proud and be Canadian. Support us here in Newfoundland by givin’ Rick Smith the boot and eating your own jar of seal penises. Help us do to Rick Smith what we do to any bad Newfoundlanders here that dare to talk against the seal hunt. Remember that your vote counts.”
Strong words indeed from Jack Harris and Jack Layton has been quick to agree. “Maybe I’ve been a city boy too long,” Jack said. “But I’ve always supported a sustainable hunt. For those not in the know that means keeping enough of these alive to make more seals,” he said, holding up a jar of pickled seal penises.
“That's correct, I do eat them,” he told reporters as he bit into a fresh pickled seal penis. “They’re scrumptious and I want people in Toronto to eat them too.
Most people know that I left city council there to enter the federal NDP. Now I’m up in Ottawa most of the time helping nature by riding a bicycle. But I’m heading back to Toronto next weekend and as a special peace offering to build a spiritual relationship between the powers that be there and in Newfoundland I’m holding a special dinner for my old friends on city council.
This dinner will be formal and the mayoral candidates are invited. I’m bringing Jack Harris and Nancy Riche in to do a Rick Smith Roast and the meal itself will be something special. It will feature a main course of breaded seal penises resting on a bed of kelp, whale blubber and fried octopus fat, sprinkled lightly with boiled shrimp blood and a garlic sauce.
The New Dumbocratic Party will broadcast this dinner nationwide,” Layton said, munching on a fresh pickled seal penis. “Then there’ll be no doubt among fellow Canadians and Newfoundlanders that we in the NDP are not like those animal rights crazies. We’re just working folk that need money to survive, like Jack Harris says.”
* Note from Shadow – latest news is that the public will be invited to attend this special dinner. Be sure to contact Jack at jacklayton.com to get a reserved table.
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Tom Jakobek to Exit Mayoral Race
Detractors of Tom Jakobek have been saying the former budget chief and hospital honcho doesn’t want to be mayor. They feel Tom is in the race until he gets a job offer he can’t refuse.
Apparently that has now happened. Jakobek is exiting politics for a new role on TV ... and this is not an inquiry or investigative show. Tom has been offered a role as a romantic leading man in a new version of the soap General Hospital.
Appearing on the soap with Jakobek will be Dash Domi. Dash has a minor role, playing a gigolo. His main lines are ‘I can’t remember’ and a lot of similar denial dialogue as he plays a rake that gets tossed over by a beautiful young nurse who falls in love with the more honest and stable Jakobek.
“It is an offer I can’t refuse,” says Jakobek. “In this one I get the millions and the girl. At City Hall all I got was an honorable mention in Dash’s expense diary.”
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Councillor Rides Elephant, Runs from Mouse
York West Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti has had a busy term. He moved up from his position as self appointed city stray cat catcher to Chair of the Board of Management at the Metro Toronto Zoo. With a city election approaching his key issue has been the renaming of a street.
Fans and supporters of the councillor want a street named Mammoliti Way … and even that isn’t enough for some of them, who want to change the name of Toronto to Mammoliti.
This week the humble councillor reluctantly agreed to support the idea … doing so by riding into Nathan Phillips Square on an elephant. The beast had no problem crossing University Avenue but it suddenly decided to stop while passing an encampment of the homeless at City Hall.
Councillor Mammoliti was confused and dismounted to see what the problem was. He discovered that a mouse had dashed out on the concrete and the elephant had halted, not wanting to step on it. At that point the zoo chief’s hair rose and he beat a hasty retreat from the mouse, pursued by cameras as he ran to the court house and ducked in a side door.
Cornered in a stairwell Mammoliti admitted that he’d always been afraid of mice. “I shouldn’t have trapped all those cats,” he admitted. “I didn’t realize it would create more mice.”
As talk changed to the concept of changing the name of the city to Mammoliti, he had this to say. “Suppose you’re in Florida, LA or even Paris or Moscow and someone asks you where you’re from … you can say Toronto but most people don’t know where it is. The name sounds like something from an Indian reservation. Imagine if they asked and you could reply, ‘I’m from Mammoliti.’ Wouldn’t that be great? I mean it sounds better and rolls off the tongue easy. But don’t think I’m pushing the idea. I’m just doing it because my supporters want me to. They think a name like Mammoliti would put Toronto on the map.”
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Cable King Mayor would Deliver Free High Speed Internet
Rumor has it that Rogers Cable Chief John Tory will enter the Mayoral race shortly, and he will move quickly to steal the thunder from John Nunziata’s campaign. Nunziata has promised to solve Toronto’s homeless problem.
Tory has his own solution and it is unique. He plans to provide High Speed Internet via Rogers to Toronto’s homeless. If the pilot project succeeds the program will expand to include everyone in Toronto. Connections at squats, alleyways and selected telephone booths will allow the homeless to get on the net thru free accounts.
“There’ll be no more in-your-face panhandlers,” Tory says. “Once these people get net addicted they’ll be online and out of sight most of the time. And that’ll be great for tourism.”
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Television King Uses Dolls to Select Mayoral Favourite
Moses Znaimer and his flagship City TV have played a leading role in Toronto politics. Perhaps a City TV mayoral debate will even decide the winner in this 2003 election.
I heard a rumour that Moses Znaimer was suffering confusion this time around, and not able to choose a candidate to support. With that in mind I questioned a source while passing City TV yesterday.
“Moses Znaimer is a ladies man,” I said. “He’s bragged in mags about bedding the beautiful women at City TV. Wouldn’t that indicate that he will support Barbara Hall, the only female candidate?”
“Not at all,” said the source. “Znaimer’s idea of a lady is more like Enza Anderson.”
“What do you mean?” I said.
“I mean a lady that’s a man,” said the source. “Moses’ reputation as a ladies’ man has been only a cover. The guy is a fag … like a gay cheerleader. I can tell you that right now he’s up there and wearing panty hose. He has a big interest in politics and who becomes city mayor. So much so that he’s had dolls made of the candidates. The Barbie doll is collecting a lot of dust so don’t count on City TV features on her. He loves his cute little Nunziata doll and likes to put little wigs on it. He says Nunziata is so much cuter with hair. Almost as cute as his classic curly doll of Mel Lastman. John Tory has those corporate good looks Moses likes, and he also goes wild over Miller’s sort of Kennedy look. But the key here is going be in which doll he is carrying when he emerges from his suite on the first official day of the mayoral campaign. Only then will we know for sure who Moses Znaimer and City TV will be favouring.”
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Mayoral Candidate to Outsource Tech Department to Uzbekistan
Mayoral candidate John Nunziata has promised to solve the homeless problem and clean up corruption at City Hall … and these issues are in the public eye more than his plan to outsource the City’s Technology Department.
“It’s a great way of saving money,” Nunziata says. “Some people would run for mayor just to outsource things like this to their friends and backers. But not me. I’m looking at a consortium in Uzbekistan.
These people are unbelievably efficient. They can do things with levers, hammers and candle wax that our city department can only do with million dollar machinery. The benefits and savings will be enormous and the plan will work to enhance Toronto’s name abroad as a leader in innovation.”
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